“Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.” – Paul Hawken
(The original author of these ‘management tips’ stories is unknown. )
A woman is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. When her husband doesn’t answer the door, she quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door, to find Bob, her next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $750 to drop that towel.” She thinks to herself, “Men can be so dumb sometimes …”, smiles and drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. The woman goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was our neighbour Bob,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $750 he owes me?”
Management Tip 1: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest and a Nun get into a cab. When the Nun sits down and crosses her legs, she reveals a leg through a slit in the gown. The priest gets excited and can’t control himself. He stealthily slides his hand up her leg. The nun says,”Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest feels embarrassed and immediately removes his hand and tries to recollect Psalm 129.
After sometime, he again can’t help himself and lets his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again says, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologizes, “Sorry sister, the flesh is weak and gives in to temptations.”
He drops her off at the convent. On his arrival at the church, the priest immediately rushes to look up Psalm 129. It said – “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Management Tip 2: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking towards the cafeteria for lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you ONE wish.”
“Me first! Me first!”, says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! The Genie sends her to the Bahamas.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! The Genie grants him his wish.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie looks to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Management Tip 3: Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered, “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Tip 4: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings? They’re packed with nutrients”, replied the bull
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was then spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Tip 5: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Tip 6, 7 and 8: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) When you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!